Nichole D.
Albuquerque, New Mexico

I currently live in New Mexico with my boyfriend and beautiful daughter in The Retro Palace. I'm currently a student double-majoring in Cosmetology and Architectural Drafting. I spend what little free time I have knitting, crocheting, sewing, and almost any other project I have time for. I do occasionally eat and shower, but only if there is no knitting to be done.

SavingNine on Ravelry



Thursday, November 05, 2009

Some days I really don't know why I try. I feel so lost sometimes. Like I don't know who I am, or what I am doing, or if I am being true to myself, or if I can. I think I am more fucked up than I think I am. Sometimes all this inner anger and hurt and turmoil and hate just comes bubbling to the surface, and I'm not really sure what to do besides try to smother it, cover it up, shove it away where it can quietly simmer, out of sight and out of mind, until something turns up the heat and it gets out of control again. I wonder if I have made the right decisions, if this is the life I want, if I even know what I want. Am I hurting everyone around me? Am I living a lie? Is my life really what I want? Sometimes I am so happy, so in love, so peaceful. Why can't I be like that all the time? What do I need to do to get rid of all the dark, secretive, horrible feelings inside so I can just be happy? Why can't I enjoy things? What the fuck is wrong with me? I really don't know what to do sometimes. Somehow, though, this is the shit I need to conquer. I just don't know if I can find the strength to do that. the strength the overcome myself. To become the person I want to be, instead of the person I act to be.

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