Veteran's Day

First off, a huge thanks to those who have served or continue to serve our country. We would not be the nation that we are without those who chose to lay their lives on the line for us. For that, we are truly blessed. This is the first year that my grandpa, a Korean War veteran, is not here to be thanked. I didn't really even think about it until I tried to go to the bank. I really, really miss my grandpa, and I wish he was still here. Knitting content soon!

Some days I really don't know why I try. I feel so lost sometimes. Like I don't know who I am, or what I am doing, or if I am being true to myself, or if I can. I think I am more fucked up than I think I am. Sometimes all this inner anger and hurt and turmoil and hate just comes bubbling to the surface, and I'm not really sure what to do besides try to smother it, cover it up, shove it away where it can quietly simmer, out of sight and out of mind, until something turns up the heat and it gets out of control again. I wonder if I have made the right decisions, if this is the life I want, if I even know what I want. Am I hurting everyone around me? Am I living a lie? Is my life really what I want? Sometimes I am so happy, so in love, so peaceful. Why can't I be like that all the time? What do I need to do to get rid of all the dark, secretive, horrible feelings inside so I can just be happy? Why can't I enjoy things? What the fuck is wrong with me? I really don't know what to do sometimes. Somehow, though, this is the shit I need to conquer. I just don't know if I can find the strength to do that. the strength the overcome myself. To become the person I want to be, instead of the person I act to be.

Getting back to life.

Alright, I know it's been FOREVER, and I never did reply to some of your comments. Please know that even if I did not get back to you, I really appreciated all the support and everything that you guys poured my way. It really helped. Anyways, LIFE. I've been working full-time, and also still doing the full-time student thing, which keeps me busy enough. Throw in all the other chaos (being sick, a divorce, sick baby, driving all over the place) and life gets pretty hectic. I've been managing, though, but really, really busy. I've also found a GREAT place to live near Old Town Albuquerque, which is really awesome. it's affordable, and the perfect size for me and the Monsterette. On that note, things are kind of weird. I miss the stability of my life, miss being part of a family. It's odd to think that next weekend when I move into my new place, I'll officially be a "single mom." Well, the divorce isn't final on paper, but yeah. Still. Weird. I'm kind of struggling with it, but I really don't have any time to be stressed about it or dwell on it too long, which I suppose is a good thing. It sucks that I have pretty much lost half of my family and most of my friends- none of EX-Hubbster's family is talking to me AT ALL, and the few mutual friends that were hanging on by a thread after the divorce stuff came around have all disappeared into the ether. So I really appreciate the few friends I have left in town and around the world. Surprisingly, I have found a tiny bit of time to knit here and there. I've been working on a cute hat in colorwork, which I'm really enjoying. I'll try to get some knitting updates here soon- I would like to get the ol' blog dusted off and running again, if I still have any readers left. Once again, thanks so much for the support and well wishes and happy thoughts sent my way. Even if I don't have time to respond, know that it is very much appreciated, and I consider you guys my friends. Oh, and I haven't read a blog in MONTHS, so don't feel bad if you feel like I'm not responding or talking to you- it's not you. Really. It's me. Once the dust settles, I'll sit down and read blogs for two days straight and get all caught up on your lives. Miss you all!

Recruiting

Hello again, folks! I got an email this morning from a good friend, and I think that it is an amazing idea. So, women out there, I want to recruit you to the Army of Women. (Please, click the link!) This is going to be a massive study for breast cancer research and prevention, something that should be important to each and every one of us. So go sign up, spread the word to your mom, your sister, your daughter, your friends. Because I think this is ridiculously important, I want you guys to spread the word! So, if you post a similar message of support on your blog with a link to the Army of Women site, you'll be entered into a drawing for a box of knitterly goodies (unless you're not a knitter, then we'll figure something out). Just leave me a comment and let me know you've posted it! Send your friends here to participate in the contest, too! And if you'd like to donate a goodie for the box, leave a comment for that, too! GO SPREAD THE WORD! I'll keep the contest open until November 14th.

Ch-ch-ch-changes

Ugh, it's been a while since I've blogged. Sorry. Life has been REALLY hectic and busy, but really awesome, as well. A few weeks ago, The Hubbster quit his job. He really hated it there, and rightfully so. That, though, is a whole different story. So, a few weeks ago, we found ourselves with one last check in the mail, enough money to get us through August, and no income at all. Kind of scary. We sat down and talked about what we wanted to do- should we both try to work? Should he try to find a job that paid as well as the last one? We struggled with the ideas a bit, then came to the perfect decision for both of us. We're both going back to school. We might try to find part-time jobs, but we'll both be full-time students at the local community college. It looks like our student loans will be able to support us through the summer. Monsterette won't have to go into daycare at all, unless we decide to work. All in all, we're really happy with it, and family and friends have been very supportive. All of this has been a little stressful, but we're thisclose to being done with everything. I have very little left to do, just getting my student ID and that stuff. I'm officially a registered, full-time student. (For those of you wondering, I'm really close to finishing my classes for Cosmetology. Not what I want to do forever, but it's a great option for me right now.) I'm a little scared. A little excited. A LOT happy. We both are, and that makes life much more easy to deal with. So, until classes start on the 2nd, we'll been doing a lot of running around, filling out forms, and standing in lines. But it's good. I do feel bad about not blogging. More for myself than for you guys, even though I do love you guys. Blogging was a lot of my stress relief, my outlet to the world, my place to share my life with whoever wants to read it. to put myself out there, and to take a moment every day to write or share. So, I'm REALLY going to try to blog more. Life is going to be crazy, but I think everything will be okay. I hope so. I'll try to keep you all updated!

Hope.

Every Sunday, I faithfully read PostSecret. It is my first stop on the blogroll. I know that PostSecret is a huge supporter of Hopeline, which is a suicide hotline run by volunteers. Right now, they need a little help to keep this hotline out of the hands of the federal government, which really, is how it should be. Please take two minutes, watch this video, and help if you can.

Cold and Rainy

It's a cold, rainy afternoon here in Albuquerque, which is rare here. I love the smell of rain in the desert, though. Yum. today was kind of a crazy day- I had an old friend pop up online, and we talked for a while. He's like a little brother to me, and I love him dearly. he's currently serving in Afghanistan, and has five more years in the service. It was a bit of an emotional roller coaster to talk to him- great to catch up, and fun to reminisce, but I still found myself crying more than once, just out of joy to talk to him, to hear he's doing well, and also the heart ache for a close friend who's so far from his loved ones. I'll be praying for him and hoping he makes it out okay. It was a very comforting and familiar conversation, though, like we'd been talking every day, instead of having not been in touch for over two years. Some days I miss friends like this. Now, I hope none of you get me wrong here- I love all my friends dearly! It's just been a really long time since I've had a connection like that with anyone but family, and man, I miss it. I hope you all know the feeling, that type of freind: The one person you can call any time day or night to talk to about anything, the one who is always on your side, but will tell you when you're doing something stupid. The one who'll hang in there no matter what, and shares a special bond with you. Scuzzy (my nickname for him- don't ask) is one of those friends. yes, even after not talking for years. Signing off before I get all weepy again.

Life.

I guess I don't really post often about my life and things going on here. Nothing too deep, nothing that's too "real". I guess i've always been like this, sheltered, putting up a wall. Cautious, too, about what is on the internet. but life is life, and you guys are my friends. So, here goes. Things have been a little hectic and stressful lately. at the end of February, the place where my husband worked for three years closed it's doors permanently. He applied to a few places in the same business, and the only one that really looked interested in him didn't offer him a job until his last day at work for the old business. Fortunately, they offered to pay him a dollar more an hour than he was making, and we'll also be able to get health insurance for the whole family. He says they seem like good people, and it'll be a good job. He'll be working less hours a day, but one extra day a week. (Before, he was working Monday through Thursday, now he'll work Friday as well.) It'll take some getting used to a more corporate environment, coming from the small and laid back shop he was at, but it shouldn't be too big of a deal. The thing that sucks, really, is he can't start until March 31st. That means we have a full month with no income. His old boss (who is a really great guy) did give him one weeks pay as severance, and off the books. He's applied for unemployment pay, but there's a one week waiting period before they'll send a check, which really means it'll be almost two weeks. This means we'll only get three checks total from them before he starts working again, and at about 65% of his pay before- not enough to support a family. His dad graciously offered to help out iwth money, but it still kind of sucks. I'm weirded out that he's been home all the time, and feel a bit overwhelmed. I'm stressed, as well, because finances is my job, and now it's difficult, because the money isn't there. on top of all that, he being here totally throws off me eating healthy, because he comes home with fast food and buys crap at the grocery store. I'm also starting to worry about the wedding shawl for my sister in law. I've finished 11 repeats out of 17, and should be able to finish it by next weekend for her shower. I'm just now getting to the point where the knitting for someone else is getting tedious and annoying. I want to knit for me, and only when I want to, not because I have to! Sometimes I wonder why I do this to myself. In addition, there's been all this drama about her shower, which is being held in Durango, Colorado. (Lord knows why when almost all of the attendees live here, in New Mexico.) There's been shit about who's going, and who's riding with whom, and I've been kind of stuck in the middle. All this, on top of wondering how much I really want to go anyways, has been stressful, as well. Ugh, I guess we'll see how it goes. I'm personally not looking to a four hour drive one way with someone I hardly know and her two pre-teen girls. I don't even know if I'll have my own bed in the hotel room! Although, the LYS in Durango sells Malabrigo... Okay, maybe this is why I don't blog about real life. I get all crazy and write forever. See you tomorrow...

Resolutions

-Lose weight. -Get organized. -Clear out the clutter. -Minimize yarn buying. Knitting -Colorwork. -Sweater. -Reduce stash. What are your resolutions? Good luck, see you tomorrow!

To My Love...

Dear Hubbster: Today is our very first official anniversary. A year ago, we were in the courthouse, saying our vows. Not very romantic, I know, but I was just excited to be your wife. That's all that mattered. I love you so much, and I am still excited every morning I wake up to be so lucky to have you for my husband. Yeah, sure, you're not perfect, but neither am I. I love you, though, and I always will. Our life together has grown so much in the last few years, and I'm excited to see what comes next. Happy First Anniversary, babe, and plenty more, I'm sure! I love you. Love, Nichole

F*ck Rape.

I'm sure you all remember the F*ck Cancer post. (If you don't, I've conveniently linked to it with my magic abilities!) so, here goes another one. I'm putting in a disclaimer for those of you who don't like naughty words or don't feel like dealing with the very real issue of rape today. A lot has been said about how to prevent rape. Women should learn self-defense. Women should lock themselves in their houses after dark. Women shouldn't have long hair and women shouldn't wear short skirts. Women shouldn't leave drinks unattended. Fuck, they shouldn't dare to get drunk at all. Instead of that bullshit, how about: if a woman is drunk, don't rape her. if a woman is walking alone at night, don't rape her. if a woman is drugged and unconscious, don't rape her. if a woman is wearing a short skirt, don't rape her. if a woman is jogging in a park at 5 am, don't rape her. if a woman looks like your ex-girlfriend you're still hung up on, don't rape her. if a woman is asleep in her bed, don't rape her. if a woman is asleep in your bed, don't rape her. if a woman is doing her laundry, don't rape her. if a woman is in a coma, don't rape her. if a woman changes her mind in the middle of or about a particular activity, don't rape her. if a woman has repeatedly refused a certain activity, don't rape her. if a woman is not yet a woman, but a child, don't rape her. if your girlfriend or wife is not in the mood, don't rape her. if your step-daughter is watching tv, don't rape her. if you break into a house and find a woman there, don't rape her. if your friend thinks it's okay to rape someone, tell him it's not, and that he's not your friend. if your "friend" tells you he raped someone, report him to the police. if your frat-brother or another guy at the party tells you there's an unconscious woman upstairs and it's your turn, don't rape her, call the police and tell the guy he's a rapist. tell your sons, godsons, nephews, grandsons, sons of friends it's not okay to rape someone. don't imply that she could have avoided it if she'd only done/not done anything. don't imply that it's in any way her fault. don't let silence imply agreement when someone tells you he "got some" with the drunk girl. don't perpetuate a culture that tells you that you have no control over or responsibility for your actions. You can, too, help yourself. *If you agree, repost it. It's that important. No, I did not write this, but I still think it is important enough to share with everyone. Feel free to share it yourself!

Boy Meets Girl

One chilly night, a girl walked into a coffee shop on Hennepin Avenue to grab a quick Irish Cream Latte. As she paid for her drink, a dark, handsome man caught her eye. They exchanged smiles, and then numbers, in a short but sweet conversation. The next night, at a classy Irish pub downtown, the girl fell in love with the handsome stranger. They talked (and a few other things) all through the night, and ended the date with breakfast in a small local restaurant. A month or so later, the dark and handsome not-so-much-a-stranger-anymore asked the girl to move in with him. She blissfully agreed, having been staying at his apartment every waking moment, anyways. Their love blossomed, and a few months later, the boy proposed. It wasn't very romantic, getting engaged in a car at the Mall of America parking lot, but the girl was swept off of her feet nonetheless. She had never been so happy! With tears in her eyes, she smiled as the dark, handsome man, no longer a stranger, slid the perfect ring onto her finger. It didn't quite fit, but that's okay- she got it resized for free, and then it fit like a dream! The boy and the girl moved across the country together and started a new life. Shortly after their arrival in the high desert city of Santa Fe, they got the joyful news that they were going to blessed with a child. Nine months of trials, pineapple cravings, and pickles and ice cream (the boy's craving!) later, they were joyous to announce the arrival of a beautiful baby girl. Time flew by for the now family of three, and their daughter grew quickly. One cold December morning, the trio drove to the Metropolitan Court of Albuquerque, and patiently waited in a tastefully done art deco hallway. Their names were called, and with smiles on their faces, they entered to court room. That night, as the girl wrote in her (online) journal, she thought back on the short but amazing ceremony that took place earlier. No longer was she just a mother and fiance- she was a wife! with a smile on her face, she published the post and went to give her dark, handsome husband a kiss before getting ready for work.

F*ck Cancer.

The month of October is National Breast Cancer Awareness month. Since I have some breasts of my own, and I'm sure many of my dear readers do as well, I am in full support of this. I personally have not had anyone in my life with breast cancer, but sadly, the chances are good that I will at some point. To show my support for the cause and all that, I'm going to go pink for October. Okay, okay, I was already pink. So I guess for the month of October I will be dedicating my preferred pinkness to the cause. So do your boob checks in the shower, wear some pink, and show your support!

Remembrance.

5 years ago, many of us spent the day staring at a tv somewhere, shocked into silence at the horror that was displayed there. For the unlucky ones, the horror was knowing that a loved one was gone forever. Today I remember quietly how I spent my day, the sadness that I felt, the rush of emotions that came with it all. I hope you will take time out of your day to remember, too. Im ny remembrance today, I hope to honor a man I do not know, nor never will. His name is Thomas Joseph Sgroi, and he died in the Twin Towers where he worked. He was 45 years old. I have not been able to find much out about him, but I know there is a family out there that misses him. You are all in my prayers.

Saving Hope at Saving Nine

Okay, dear readers, this is a serious one. Every Sunday, I go to check out the new post over at Post Secret. Sometimes they're a little depressing, but I think that it is an important project, and I love that it is an outlet for those people who have secrets they can't share with anyone around them, but need to share them anyway. I'm sure almost all of us have one of those secrets. Post Secret is a big advocate for the hopeline, because it has helped many of the people who come to the site or send in their secrets. I think that this suicide help line is a wonderful thing, and that it really is an important thing to have around for those people desperately reaching out for help when they are at the end of their rope. The government has been trying to take away the confidentiality of callers, and has also withdrawn already promised funds from the help line. I urge everyone to click the button below and just read what they have to say and sign the petition. It may not effect you now, but you never know when it could be the one thing that saves the life of a loved one or friend.

Lost and Found

Today started like most of my days- waking up around 8:30 with little Joie, eating breakfast, checking my bloglines and email. Joie went down for a nap around 10:30, and I decided to get cracking on my project for the baby shower (for twin boys!) on Saturday. I'm sewing some cute little things- I want to keep it a secret because I know mommy's sister reads my blog. ;) I decided to put on some music while I did my crafting, and the first cd to catch my eye was the Dixie Chicks album "Home". I popped it in and sat on the floor to get to work. As track number three started, I got a little teary-eyed. The song is "Travelin' Soldier" - for those of you who don't know it, click away. I've always gotten teary-eyed when I hear this song, because it's a sad song to begin with. When one of my awesome friends Patrick (aka Scuzzy) joined the army about a year and a half ago, it hit home even more. A little history- Scuzzy and I met at rough times in both of our lives, and got really close. He is an awesome person and is like a little brother to me- I love him like family.Last I talked to him was a year ago, when he was sent to Virginia to await his assignment. well, hearing that song today made me miss him and wonder what he was up to. I looked online in a bunch of places for about half an hour, trying to find anything that mentioned his name, a phone number, address, anything. No luck. I then remembered his grandmother lives in Minnesota, and since he used to live with her, she would surely remember me! I dug up my old cellphone, and her number was there. I called her up, and she kindly gave me his email address. I inquired as to where he was- my Scuzzy is in Iraq. She said she hadn't heard from him in a few months, and would I please say hello? I said I would and thanked her. I wrote him an email, and then looked at his picture on the yahoo! directory. I cried- he looks thin and tired and scared- it looks like he is in a tent in Iraq in the picture. I prayed that he is okay. I hope I hear back from him soon-if I do, I'll let you know. For now, my heart and prayers are going out to him there, hoping he is staying safe, and I'm trying to keep myself from crying.